I feel I owe an explanation
Why have I been so absent from posting for about 4 months? Well, I could blame it on World of Warcraft, but, really that's only a coping (or hiding) mechanism. I admit, I haven't been reading, and I know that's a bad sign, but I've been choosing to ignore it. It's been hard to find joy in anything these days. My grandmother's dying. It's pretty official at this point.
I've been bouncing over to New York as much as possible to spend as much time as I can with her. Needless to say I was very pissed that I got two very bad colds, one during Christmas that prevented me form spending almost anytime with her then.
The short of it is, the breast cancer she beat about 8 years ago came back. It moved into her bones, lungs, pancreas and ovaries. It's not responding to radiation and chemo. At all.
Somehow, I've been designated the strong one in this situation. My mother completely can't deal. She's not only losing her step-mother, but also her best friend. They (used to) shop together, trade shopping bags full of books back and forth, gossip about the family. Yet, I'm the one the used booksellers, the libray volunteers are quietly approaching and asking "What did the doctor's say?" and "How's she doing?" The only answer to these questions being "It's not good." I get to watch them try to hold back the tears same as I've been trying to do.
She has decided to stop with the chemo meds. They are making her sick and too tired. She is the kind of lady who would get up at 5 a.m. and paint the garage, wash the car, do the laundry, work in the garden and read 2-3 books all by 10 a.m. so the loss of energy has been devastating to her. Her doctors keep telling her there are about a dozen more chemos they could try, but they can't prove that any will actually help. She doesn't want to be a guinea pig, as she says. She is choosing quality of life over time.
She is buying hardcovers because she doesn't have time to wait for the paperbacks.
She is pissed that she won't get to read the last Harry Potter book.
She is leaving me her car, and wonders why I don't seem excited about it.
Leila, I wish you could meet her, but there is no way she'd let me bring someone new to meet her, because she is too embarrassed by how she looks right now. All her hair is gone and she's lost a huge amount of weight.
That's about all I have to say.
I've been bouncing over to New York as much as possible to spend as much time as I can with her. Needless to say I was very pissed that I got two very bad colds, one during Christmas that prevented me form spending almost anytime with her then.
The short of it is, the breast cancer she beat about 8 years ago came back. It moved into her bones, lungs, pancreas and ovaries. It's not responding to radiation and chemo. At all.
Somehow, I've been designated the strong one in this situation. My mother completely can't deal. She's not only losing her step-mother, but also her best friend. They (used to) shop together, trade shopping bags full of books back and forth, gossip about the family. Yet, I'm the one the used booksellers, the libray volunteers are quietly approaching and asking "What did the doctor's say?" and "How's she doing?" The only answer to these questions being "It's not good." I get to watch them try to hold back the tears same as I've been trying to do.
She has decided to stop with the chemo meds. They are making her sick and too tired. She is the kind of lady who would get up at 5 a.m. and paint the garage, wash the car, do the laundry, work in the garden and read 2-3 books all by 10 a.m. so the loss of energy has been devastating to her. Her doctors keep telling her there are about a dozen more chemos they could try, but they can't prove that any will actually help. She doesn't want to be a guinea pig, as she says. She is choosing quality of life over time.
She is buying hardcovers because she doesn't have time to wait for the paperbacks.
She is pissed that she won't get to read the last Harry Potter book.
She is leaving me her car, and wonders why I don't seem excited about it.
Leila, I wish you could meet her, but there is no way she'd let me bring someone new to meet her, because she is too embarrassed by how she looks right now. All her hair is gone and she's lost a huge amount of weight.
That's about all I have to say.
posted by Chrissy at 2/27/2006 01:52:00 PM
1 Comments:
Chrissy,
I just happened to check back on a whim. So sorry to hear about your grandmother, and all that you and your family are going through. I don't know where in NY you have to keep going, but if I can be of any local assistance, please don't hesitate to call or email or anything.
Wishing you the best, and of course you don't owe an explanation or anything at all, ever.
Love,
Lauren
Post a Comment
<< Home